09-20-2022

If your mind wanders a lot while you talk to people to the point where they think you’re ignoring them on purpose, does that mean you have adhd? If you can’t sit still, or if everything around you distracts you and your senses are overwhelmed with information that you just forget things, could that be adhd? I’m convinced I may have adhd but just like anything you look up in the internet it could be allergies or I’m dying.

I joke around too much. I say the wrong things at the wrong time. I read many books at once. Sometimes, I’ll read a chapter and then read the chapter of another book, and then another. I feel like I can’t sit still, and I even eat standing up sometimes because I feel like I need to walk my energy off. My senses get flooded with information and I get easily distracted. I’ll notice the smallest detail and go on a daydream. I guess it really helps with writing though. Even with writing, I need to slow down and focus. I could go off on so many tangents, and nonsense; But that’s okay right? At least while I figure this self-therapy out.

So I borrowed a bunch of books on adhd, and I borrowed a bunch of books on teaching, and it really got me interested in how I will address students with similar special needs in my classrooms. I never really struggled with school k-12, I lived it in autopilot- getting A’s, finishing homework to play video games and soccer, but in college things were different. I could not get the material down. And I didn’t fail or drop out, but I had a hard time. I can only imagine students that live with something similar or worse since the beginning of their school career.

Besides loving English the way I do, I also want my students to feel safe. I want my students to feel like they don’t have to feel like a question they ask is dumb. I want students to not feel rushed and to feel accommodated if they’re falling behind because of something they can’t control. Our minds are all wired differently, and we all learn at our own pace. You can’t force someone to eat information and regurgitate it back on assessment and then expect them to help them in real life. Students will learn if you teach them and guide them the right way and with a lot of patience. And at least from the content in my program so far it all seems to moving in the direction I want.

Today I did do as planned and did absolutely nothing; and it felt off. There was a nagging feeling of something to do always in the back of my head. There’s so many things I want to do that I don’t do anything kind of thing and instead you sleep. But we all need a break, and need to be kind to ourselves and give our bodies the time to rest. If you live a hectic life even using the time you’re in the shower to meditate helps a lot. I wish I wasn’t addicted to caffeine because I know cutting it does wonders also.

I didn’t write any poetry today, but I did work on a lot of different artwork in Canva. I am obsessed with using that app right now to make random scenes with what they have available, it’s kind of like scrapbooking without the glue. You have to find all the pieces and then put them together. I’ve never done scrapbooking nor do I want to but on Canva it’s nice. I’m planning to share them on Instagram or maybe here I don’t know. But anyway the post is getting longer than I wanted it to so I’m off. Thanks for reading.

09-18-2022

I just wrote a very pessimistic poem. Its meaning being youth passing me by. I picture the baby goat white with ghostly white eyes, the mountains completely dark and there’s fire in my mind’s eye and smoke but in the poem it’s all ash, as if an infernal fire swept by the path I thought of; then everything disappears. My intention was to write anything with the phrase mountains painted black, and as the words flowed I started to reflect my current mood into my writing. I don’t understand why I feel this way. However, I am happy that I have vacation time right now. I planned it perfectly to where I have two weeks off and soon I will be going to New York City for the first time in my life and hopefully my mood will lift and I will write better things.

Although right now, this being my first blog post and all, I shall try to share other positive things as to not show I’m just a complete basket case. Especially since I want to become a teacher. But hey even therapists or the most reverent person you can think of has their demons. I just have mine figured out and I’m not particularly ashamed to share them.

First bit of good news, I am part-time at my current job. This was done in order to be able to study for my graduate courses in education and certification to become a teacher. The plan is to be an English teacher for high school, at any grade level for now but I would prefer to teach seniors to prepare them for college. Senior level teaching would also be good for me because the material is more advanced and I really don’t feel like going over basic things like teaching setting in a story, or even point of view.

Being part time has also giving me the liberty to have more time and therefore to keep writing. I’m really close to finishing a novella, and eventually I will collect all my poems and create a chapter book. Just like this blog, if one person reads either of them, I’m satisfied.

I have started running, and it’s nice to be out and see the sky turn from day to night as I run I picked to run at the time of sunset to see the sky change, and because I dislike the sun burning my forehead. The goal is to get back in shape and not breathe heavily any time I do any strenuous activity. It also releases a lot of natural dopamine, and somehow releases me from inner thoughts and worries for the duration of the run. I recommend a good walk or run to get your brain some well needed oxygen.

In the next few days, I shall mostly stay home and indulge myself with doing absolutely nothing, then a bit of cleaning, I don’t do spring cleaning, I have noticed I am most active during the fall and winter. I hate mosquitoes. I don’t know why that was the first thought that came up with thinking of summer.

Anyway, I’d say for a first post, it’s long ways from anything I’d ever be satisfied with posting unedited but that’s the point of writing down my thoughts as therapy. Therapy from what? Life.

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