Blasphemy or The End of the World

He choked on a banana. Calamity ensued. The door to heaven opened. CPR. Heimlich maneuver. Nobody around. Out of breath. Out of time. Death came around.

Death said, “You choked on a banana? Shit that really sucks.”

Death thought for a second and said, “Tell you what- you beat me at a game of poker, and you can be born again. Sorry but your body is done for. A game of poker in the afterlife might take a while but if you win you will get a chance of revival. Jesus likes to cheat. He’s a good guy though. I bring the water; he takes care of the wine. Alright come with me.”

Death walked with him through a portal. They emerged on the other side. It was a library. The books were the annals of history. The clerk up front, Cupid, was smoking and reading the 80s.

Death said, “Here let’s get you signed in. Sponsor: Death. Name: Michael TOD: 8:20 56seconds,AM. COD: Choked on a banana. Man, that’s one way to go. Hmm, I see here you weren’t supposed to die until… wait a minute… I will be right back. Wait here.”

“Cupid are you busy?”

“Yes.”

“Here, keep an eye on this guy real quick yeah? I have to go see Uni.”

“Oh man D that’s going to be a while man.”

“It’s important. I think it’s him.”

“Huh?”

“You know, Him.”

“Oh what- this guy?”

“He choked on a banana and someone else should have bought that banana. I don’t know how it happened. I have to go to Uni’s as soon as possible.”

“Fine D but you still owe me.”

Death entered the portal to the halls of the cosmos. He went to the head clerk there. He signed in but pleaded with the clerk that this was important.

“It will be 2 millennia before Uni can see you sir. Would you like a phone call when it is your turn or would you like to wait here in the waiting room. We just got new magazines.”

“No I need to see Ms. Universe now.

“Oh woah, she doesn’t like to be called that.”

 “I need to see Ms. Uni now. I found Him.”

“Found who?”

“God.”

“Huh?”

“You know, Him.”

“He died? How? Where was he?”

“On Earth, he choked on a banana.”

“Earth? What was he doing there?”

“I don’t know but I don’t think he remembers anything.”

“How do you know it’s him? Sorry- Him.”

“I ran his DNA. It is definitely Alpha… the first of it all. He wasn’t supposed to eat the banana he choked on, someone implanted it.”

“What if it was an accident?”

“If it was, he doesn’t remember. He doesn’t even remember he’s God. I need to see Uni.”

“Hold on, if what you say is true, indeed Ms. Uni will see you.”

Death was allowed admission. He found himself walking through another portal and appearing before Uni busy in her office.

“Uni we found him. We found God.”

Uni was looking at some notes on her desk and when she heard “God” she looked right up.

“What? Where is he? Bring him to me. Never mind there is no time, if he’s dead. He’s around.”

Uni flicked and snapped her fingers and Michael appeared. He looked around and saw that both Death and Uni were watching him.

“Hello Michael, I am Uni. We have met before, but it looks like you have lost your memory. Had I known you choking on a banana would cause you to forget everything I would have done it eons ago.”

“I should have known it was you!” Death said. “If you killed him why did I have to go through all the trouble of dragging him here?”

“One; It’s your job. Two; I hate Earth and I can’t stand it. I told him long ago that I would never set foot there again.”

She looked at Michael.

“It took me a while to locate you among all your so-called people, but you have to face it. It’s hopeless, that planet is dying. So here we are. Honest to you, I didn’t expect you to lose your memory.”

     Michael gave Uni a blank stare.

     “Death, why don’t you show our creator here to his chambers and we’ll see how we can get his memory back. He will be mad at me once his memory comes back and finds out I didn’t do anything to save his measly planet. But you know I just couldn’t let him die with it. Oh, and after you’re done, go prepare and recruit help for you are going to be really busy there soon. Okay, goodbye.”

     Death and Michael vanished with another flick of Uni’s fingers and appeared in front of a golden elevator.

     “Okay, follow me Big G.”

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